So, I haven’t written anything in months….been busy, trying not to go crazy! But, I have to say that many things have happened to me…some that have taught me a lot, some that are very bad….but, hopefully with time I will be able to tell my story….Hope you, who is reading this are happy, peaceful, and worry free….I can only say that we all go through very tough times but we are never alone….
Why make it complicated? Why worry so damn much? It’s not about chance. It isn’t too difficult… a sturdy hand…. that’s all…
With breath held in… no one moves, no one speaks, no one blinks.
Higher and higher it goes…
Everyone GASPS!!!!! all the while it comes
~With doubting vision and foggy thinking: my thoughts too drunk to dream up random ideas… Next train of thought seems ages behind. Life is becoming irregular. When will obsessive meds become the past? This humming my ears start to irritate me! How can my body be so awkward… The difference of scribbling is exciting, captivating, holding her attention. That voice which echoes…
Words stretching through the air.
All is calm around her and she in panic scribbles away in a rapid hurry. Train of thought leaving her body. She’s left alone, body stiffens, unmoving, just a tear rolling down her oily cheek…in this moment she would mourn a baby daughter.
Note: This is one of my first writings in spanish.
~La gota de un llanto que resbalaba por su cachete, cantaba sobre un sufrimiento…Sentimientos chocados por el paso revivian escenas de instantes grabados por el tiempo. Revelaban moretones de un dolor hecho por impactos a su piel y palabras que golpearon cada latir del corazon.
I would have said that I am having a hell of a
week month….or year. I’m very sad today…and my kids, they cried themselves to sleep last night. Why? Our 9 month old pitbull, Pukka a.k.a. Pukkis, Pukkina, Pukkinni died yesterday morning.
And she didn’t sleep outside, no. This young lady slept in doors, with her brothers. Sometimes she would take up all of the bed…
The hardest thing was telling my kids when they asked where she was…seeing their little faces…tears rolling down their cheeks…."but, when is she coming back?” my little one asked. It took me about 2 hours to make them understand she wasn’t coming back….
For now, I can only say:
Pukkis, we love you very much and miss you!
To be continued……
So there I am…..alone in my bedroom. This alone thing has started becoming a bad habit that I can’t shake off. And the worst part of it all is, the bed has become enormous!!!
And all I can think about is all the things that have happened to me since
last year two years ago.
I sit here, and tears roll down my cheeks….
She would be 1 year old now. My little girl. I picture her with her chubby cheeks, chubby little arms, and chubby little legs….and if I close my eyes I can hear her laughing.
It’s very hard to know she isn’t with me, that somewhere along my life I made a mistake and have started to pay for it. Since then everything has gone spiral down hill into a black abyss. The only thing that has kept me going every morning is the faces of my two little boys that look at me with loving eyes.
But, these last weeks have been hard since, my little ones went to spend their vacation with their dad. I haven’t been with them for 2 weeks! I’m going crazy without them. The house seems so abandoned and gloomy. Even Pukka (our 5 month old pit bull) misses them. I find her sitting in the entrance of their bedroom starring at their bed.
And this is only the beginning of a long tearful journey…
You would think that this blog is about wrestling in mud, but it’s NOT!!!
What is “barro”?
El barro o lodo, es una mezcla líquida o semilíquida de agua y tierra o sedimentos. Geológicamente hablando, el barro es una mezcla de agua y partículas de polvo y arcilla. Los depósitos de barro antiguos se endurecen con el paso del tiempo geológico hasta convertirse en lutita.
Un baño de barro, usualmente con ingredientes especiales, se usa por motivos de belleza, salud o placer. También se utiliza para hacer artesanías u objetos de decoración.
mud, baked clay.
Drinking-vessel of different shapes and colors, made of sweet-scented clay; sugar-clay
Ok, so this might seem a little hard to believe or just maybe a little weird to read, but this is my blog and I have decided to come out! This is the hardest thing I have had to confess! So , let’s begin…
“Hello, my name is Olive and I eat ‘barro’/clay.” Phew! Now that I got that out of my chest, I can start to tell you my story.
LOL! It’s true, ask my sister. I love to eat clay. I eat them as if they were chips (only without the dip or salsa).
Why?? Well, the only way I can explain it is….. (thinking, deep in thought)
Have you ever smelled the ground just seconds after it has stopped raining (a light sprinkle, just enough to dampen the earth)? Do you remember smelling the wet earth? It seems so pure, so clean, and the smell is very rare, that it makes you want to taste it just to see if it tastes the same as it smells….
That is what baked clay tastes for me…
It tastes like what I think the damp earth would taste like…. I’m not sure if I am explaining this correctly but, that is the only way I can describe biting into a jar of clay! LOL!
You would think that barro is easy to get your hands on, right? Wrong!!! I have to drive all the way to Rosarito to buy my baked clay… and from where I leave, it is practically another state. And very hard to drive to. Not, to worry, I will send my packages and it will include your own baked clay (the only difference is that the ones I will send, you cannot try to eat it. Why? Because the ones I am sending are already painted and placed in the fire twice.) The baked clay I eat is ….you can say it is pre-cooked.
Well, gotta go but I leave you with the picture of the clay I am currently munching on….
So, the writing block continues……I can’t seem to overcome this! It’s starting to get on my nerves, where are the days when the words flowed magically from my brain. Smoothly filled the rows and rows of those blank pages just like music dancing into every room of my house.
Then , a rush of ideas begin to hit me like a swarm of bees attacking pooh bear for trying to steal their honey! It all comes so quickly that I hardly have time to even jot down an idea! damn, there they go….bye. I can only sit here and imagine myself waving goodbye to my ideas. I’m alone again and all I have as a companion is my echo. No ideas, no words, no imaginary friends…ALONE! ALONE! ALONE! Stop repeating everything I say! Stop repeating everything I say! F*CK!
The writing process is a wonderful concept. It looks so easy, it probably is easy. Only problem is that I can’t get past Step 1. I guess I will just try to relax bye listening to music and watching a video, go ahead and relax with me:
Nope, that didn’t work! I couldn’t relax one bit! LOL! Ok, let’s try it one more time with a song.